No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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