Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
