We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Randomize
