ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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