why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
