New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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