I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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