so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
