I am spending my child support on dildos
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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