my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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