I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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