i permit you to call me
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
