White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
