Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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