I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
