Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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