Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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