What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I got inside last night via doggy door
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
