Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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