its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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