I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
