my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
