would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
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