Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
