Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
