So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
