there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize