If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize