He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize