My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
