She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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