the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
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