Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
wow bdsm is so cute
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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