thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
