This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
