you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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