so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
