just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize