Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
