Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
