It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
