i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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