did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
