She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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