at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
