i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize