Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
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