Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
