i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
