I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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