I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
