soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
