Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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