There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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