Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
