Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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