One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
