just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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