You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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