Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
