I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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