Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
