Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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